I heard something marvelous last week. We were out with two couples, one of which was in a marriage group with us several years ago. They mentioned that they have kept up the weekly check in with each other. If I had a spare bowling trophy or dusty plaque laying around I would offer it to them with a standing ovation of one. Not only that, they have a regular date night AND they get away overnight every year. This probably puts them in the top 1% of couples for Sustained Marital Attention. If I could compare it to dental hygiene they brush three times daily and floss after every meal. Bravissimo.

The wife described another strategy they have in place. It is called the smoldering list. She writes down any issue that comes up and they address it on their Monday night check in. This keeps small flames from becoming scorchers. Definitely a stroke of genius, in that they have identified a potential leak in their relationship and plugged the hole. 

In the course of the conversation the three couples also talked about gardening, and scouts. I actively wanted advice about how to coax vegetables to grow, and was all ears about dirt. What I wish was that it was more kosher to swap ideas about making marriages grow in rocky soil. But somehow those comments come off as boasting or unwanted advice. 

It is acceptable to admit that your corn was more starchy than sweet last summer, or that young cherry trees do better when you pluck and toss the new fruit immediately and let it focus on growing taller first. Those are tips you can pass on without sacrificing your self esteem.

But it is harder to ask for suggestions about sweetening your relationship. I am looking forward to the chance to be with a hundred other folks at the conference in two weeks, where stronger relationships are the topic at every table.