It was not really the crux of the message. The entire discourse was worth reading, in fact I did so twice. And yet this short disclaimer jarred me, like when you slam on the breaks at an intersection as you realize there is a stop sign. And an eighteen wheeler who has the right of way.
"If I offend you,
please help me to understand."
There were a flurry of other clauses ready to complete this in my head.
"If I offend you, please forgive me."
"If I offend you, remember that I meant no harm."
"If I offend you, just shake it off."
Then there were the ones I think but am afraid to
say.
"If I offend you, remember how much you like me."
"If I offend you, maybe you are being too sensitive."
"If I offend you, remember that really expensive Christmas present I gave you. Because I could, you know..."
But the catch is, all of those flatten the possibility that this could stop being about me. They take the onus off of what I
said, and chain it to the person who was offended. Who by the way is already limping.
Help me to understand. Which means more listening. More time paying attention. Not assuming, Not defending.
The horseman in the set of four that John Gottman identified as sabotaging marriage that most irritated me was Defensiveness. How could he fault an attribute that clearly was in a person's need for self preservation? If you
are being attacked, by all means protect yourself.
But in that very stance of enemy vs victim, we lose any chance of stepping closer. Understanding. Believing that hurt is not the antithesis of relationships. It can be the canary.
