A friend was describing the events around a time she felt slighted. The pain was surprisingly deep, and she tried to express that. Her goal was not blame, or revenge, she simply sought to be heard.

But the people involved held up excuses like deflective shields. 

"We had a lot going on that day...."

"I had a deadline..."

"One time you did it to me too..."

None of it helped. It turns out that reasons don't make very good salve. 

The thing is that excuses revolve around the hurter, not the hurt. When we lower our armor enough to be vulnerable, it becomes possible to see the person on the other side. My defensive stance includes squeezing my eyes shut and crouching. Not an ideal position from which to truly observe another person. 

Fortunately there are timid ways to keep the conversation open, even when it is prickly. Two words can suffice.

"I'm listening."

"What else?"

If your teeth are tightly clenched and you can only eek out a terse response of four letters there is an option.

"Go on."

I have had those words spoken to me. It brings solace. 

And the truly surprising residual effect is that when I feel heard I actually have room in my brain to consider those darn reasons.