Even the word itself is jarring. Suggestive of cracking. Itching. Calling names. Some people try to pretty it up in the sheep's clothing of improving someone else, but I doubt that anyone is comfortable with being criticized. 

There is a blog by Leslie and Leslie Parrott which articulates the dangers of badgering our partner. Their premise is that the underlying force in denigrating others is anxiety. When we constantly try to fix someone else it is because we ourselves are uncomfortable. 

Hmmm. 

The authors offer the notion that whereas criticism appears to be about the target of the nagging, it is actually a commentary on the nagger. People who are comfortable in their own skin are less inclined to provide negative commentary on someone else.  

Recently a mother told me that she is loosening her grip on the need to explain to her child the intricacies of his mistakes. She figures he already feels bad enough without her adding to the shame. Instead she takes him out for a drive, because, well he likes that, and she makes sure to tell him that she loves him.

It might look to some people like she is rewarding his bad behavior, but having spent enough years on the tactic of reprimanding, she is giving this one a go. 

I am eager to check in with her in a few months about how it is going.