The five yeses is a communication tool we have used over the years. In it, one person makes a statement, and the other asks questions around and beside it in order to more fully listen. The goal is to get five affirmations. Nos provide useful input as well, but a target of five keeps things interesting. 

The other day a couple in marriage group was using the technique. She had expressed her concern about an issue they were facing, and he was trying to really hear her. He made headway with brave inquiries, and she was beginning to feel understood. Then after four yeses, he stalled. He wanted one more. Finally he spoke.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

I was moved by that simple exchange. He had peeled back the morass to the crux of any relationship. Do you trust me? In asking, he took a risk by making himself vulnerable. In her response, she returned to center. Yes, the unknowns swirled around them like a windstorm as they pondered a looming decision. But at the heart of it was a constant. She trusted him. 

Even without the structure of a tool like this one, I sometimes ask myself the same thing. Maybe my husband or child has offended me, or ignored me. Regardless of whether a conversation is still too hot to handle, do I trust that John wishes the best for me? 

Yes. 

That certainty is like the clarity of an edge, that can be a container for all that is uncertain.