Marriage group got hijacked this week. One wife mentioned her gut reaction to her husband's driving speed and distance from the car ahead. Then others piled in and there was no chance of derailing the dialogue. Most of the wives expressed the same fear, and the men admitted to the pain of feeling undermined by their wives' distress. It felt like a slur on their ability to handle a car. Which made them feel ashamed. Which took on a mask of anger. And they drove faster. Which made their wives grip the door handle even more fiercely. 

This has certainly been a struggle for us. Fortunately, John and I heard the speakers Stosny and Love articulate it in a way we could hear. Men experience shame in the same part of their brain as they do pain, while women register fear in the same area as pain. For men the shame of being criticized for their driving hurts. For women the anxiety of being in a speeding car hurts. 

We are talking generalities here, but it resonated for three couples in the room. Just hearing these commonalities seemed to unlock the issue for several of us like a fob. 

I believe it is an invitation to step into compassion. John has, with some effort, been able to set aside his knee jerk reaction to my yelps from the passenger side, and step on the brake. He knows we are safe, and given his record he is a conscientious driver, but he loves me enough to want to spare me unnecessary pain. Even if we get to our destination late.

The reciprocal chance for me to hold him with compassion is to understand, well not really understand, but believe, that when I doubt his abilities to drive, or fix the leak, or get the taxes done it is comparable to kicking him the shins.

And even on a bad day I don't want to do that.

Still I have two questions. When do we all shift from trusting kids in the back seat to anxious adults clenching our teeth? 

And how soon until self driving cars save a million marriages?