I have a friend who had an au pair for a year. Sometimes I would see her at the pool, and I would make a lame effort to speak with her. But I did not know Spanish and she was not completely comfortable with English. So we mostly passed each other in silence. I wondered if it was lonely for her, hearing the lively conversations all around her, feeling like her thoughts were not valued. I wished I could hear them.

 

Then one day a woman who has spent time in Madrid came to swim, and they launched into an animated interchange with gestures, laughter and smiles. It was fun to watch. It looked as if the young woman came alive, simply through being understood.

 

Language can be a means of connection, or a barrier if we do not speak the same one. 

 

The book  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts does a great job of describing some of the ways people express love. The languages are touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service. These are ways that we give and hear love from other people. When we use a language that resonates with another person, it works.

 

I know a man who is fluent in acts of service. He helps with the dishes and cooking, schlepps kids to school and spends time with them doing homework. But his wife is not listening. She cannot hear the thundering sound of love. 

 

He is probably vulnerable to bouts of loneliness. Maybe he feels as if his efforts are not valuable. Someone else, whose love language is also acts of service, spent time in their home and told me about how generous the husband's love for his family is. 

 

It is sad when we live life in emotional solitude. We communicate with the actions that we know best, but they may not be understood. We say them again. Silence. 

 

http://www.caringformarriage.org/videos/puppets.html

 

Photo by Jenny Stein

www.caringformarriage.org