Marriage Moats-Upset
Published: Tue, 03/01/11
| Marriage Moats | Caring for Marriage |
 When our autistic son Benjamin is angry or sad, he grasps for the most dramatic way he can conjure to express it. Sometimes he says "The square root of 64 is NOT 8!" or "I DON"T love pipe organs!" (everyone within a fifty foot radius knows he does) When life is especially unjust he might wail "Jamie CAN"T pick me up today." (his best friend) Then after a few minutes or even hours, when life becomes livable again he will let us know.
"Eight squared is 64." "I do love pipe organs."
"Jamie can pick me up." Last Saturday night he was unhappy at bedtime. He yelled that he was NOT going to church tomorrow, and that in fact church was canceled.
Things calmed down eventually and he went to bed. About 1 am the door to our bedroom banged open and as it whacked into the wall he said "I changed my mind. I DO want to go to church tomorrow." Just in case we were lying awake wondering. Feelings change. That doesn't mean that they were inaccurate then just
because they are different now. They shift, like the weather, the
seasons, and a melody.
As the more vacillating member of my particular spouseship, I notice that John has developed a rubber band tactic. If I am upset, he does not necessarily go there with me. At times I may think him insensitive, but after a few decades, I think he is brilliant. What good does it do for the kids to have two whacked out parents? He stretches the rubber band between us just far enough that if I keep going and going in one direction, he will eventually sproing after me, and be by my side. But the minor caveats into worried, excited, irritated and anticipatory I can travel to on my own and he only stays within rubber band range. I remember when the notion of bringing your own bags to grocery stores
was just beginning to catch on. I thought, "You will never catch me
hauling bags into the store. That is foofy."
Now I notice that those feelings have changed. I am staunchly committed to bringing my Trader Joe's bags, and I feel the need to offer an excuse to the check out person if I actually have to use paper ones. I have changed my mind, and my habits bounced along with it. Occasionally I ask young parents if they are having enough time as a
couple. There is usually a long pause. Time together seems like a foofy
and extraneous activity, lost in the fervent desire to be Good Parents.
"Sometimes, when we can fit it in," they might wiggle out of answering honestly. I see the contrast between that and how they perform when they sign
their son up for soccer. The coach says to have shin guards, so they go
to the store and buy them. In fact they buy the high end ones. He says
to be at practice 4 times a week, plus games on Saturday, so they abort
family dinner, and face traffic to get him there. With shin guards and
a water bottle. Nippy drizzle, neglected lawns and looming laundry
cannot hinder the commitment to being on the team.
I notice that some people still file marriage time in the foofy folder. It may happen when all the other responsibilities are met. But it will not shove aside the really crucial items on the to do list, like getting the car fixed. Never mind that your marriage is a more significant family vehicle, in terms of getting you where you want to go. But feelings can change. What used to seem like an extraneous thing can become center stage.
Working on your marriage can feel like a back burner item. But considering how many pilot lights flicker out these days, it makes sense to bring it to the front of your attention. I invite you to consider me your personal Marriage Coach. Here are your instructions.
Go to the store and buy something for your spouse. Make it high end.
Get in the game of this Team you joined, and play with all your heart. Both of you will win.
Photo by Chara Odhner
www.caringformarriage.org
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