The link I gave you yesterday was actually about hostage negotiations. Not what I intended although I did pick up a few things. There are no hostages per se at our house, but sometimes the arguments do spiral out of control.
The FBI suggests a five step process which begins with listening. Then you internalize how they feel, using
empathy. Next you demonstrate that empathy with rapport. Now the person who is embroiled in their own stance can take the risk of trusting that they are understood. I never realized the connection before between that hamster-in-a-cage thinking that makes it impossible to calm down, and feeling heard. When someone mirrors what we are experiencing, we are released from the obsessive need to keep thinking about it.
What a gift it is to listen then, and free
someone from the urge to keep sending the message. It reminds me of the UPS man who had to come three times to deliver a package because no one was home to receive it.
For the purposes of getting an angry man to put down his gun, the FBI says that after you have done those three steps... and done them well... you are in a position to influence their behavior. The fifth and final step is that they change.
and it goes on to describe another pair of handy
ideas.
Make a decision.
When we are stuck in the Limbo Land of Indecision, we loose precious energy. And joy. Choosing a plan and committing to it reduces anxiety. It's like putting the car in gear. All the gas that is lost when we linger in neutral does nothing to get us where we want to go.
One time someone recommended a book called "A Slightly Better Parent". I never read the book but simply
knowing the title calmed me many times when I was caught in the angst of sleuthing out the absolute best way to care for my children. Making a pretty good decision, the article posits, is better than vacillating in doubt.
The last suggestion is a keeper.
Touch people.
Clearly the sense of touch is given to us as a source of delight, and yet people have such short attention spans they forget.
I know I do. The author tosses the challenge of five hugs a day for a month. I remembered last night after I read it and gifted John with a longer-than-usual-snuggle. But this morning he just slipped out the door to work untouched. Oops.
