John Gottman has an approach that differs from most of the marriage experts out there. His books are based on research more than experience. Don't get me wrong. Gary Chapman and John Gray and Mark Gungor have all expanded my knowledge and compassion, but they have not done it with data. Frankly, many times they have accomplished it with humor. John Gottman has
never made me even chuckle.
In his book
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Gottman articulates three
flavors of resolution. He asserts that it matters not whether you argue. What counts is that you have a strategy for resolving it. His chocolate, strawberry and vanilla are validating, avoidant and volatile.
He has both a case composite to illustrate each style, and a self test for figuring out which one best describes you. Being an over achiever, and based on the fact that I was always in the Smart Kids half of algebra back in high school, I assumed I would fall
into the teacher's pet subgroup. Validating.
But when I took the test, the facts told me otherwise. I am an avoider.
Gottman claims that all three personalities can work. The stormy couple that yells... and makes up.... can thrive. The avoiders can agree to disagree and move on.
A smattering of the questions that I found myself saying yes to clinched me as an avoider.
Many
marital conflicts are solved through the passage of time.
Our religious values give us a sense of life's purpose.
I don't feel comfortable with strong displays of negative emotions in my marriage.
I just accept many of the things in my marriage that I can't change.
A lot of talking about disagreements just make it worse.
Thinking positively solves a lot of marital
problems.
Sometimes I hide my feelings to avoid hurting my spouse.
So there I have it. I am not as facile of a communicator as I assumed.
But I am sure that I like chocolate ice cream. You can have the vanilla.
