Which is better, to be different or the same? 

Most marriages are a complex collection of both. John stays up late, I flop at nine thirty. He does well in emergencies, I am incapacitated by them. He freezes at the thought of inviting someone for coffee, I do it all the time. 

A friend was reflecting about how their summer vacation went. After fifteen years she realized that they have different styles. Imagine that. He likes to try different beaches, and explore the options. She is content to find a good one and go again every day. Is one right? Is one wrong? 

"I am a satisficer and he is a maximizer," she told me. I liked that both terms sounded positive. As a truce they might split the week up. For three days of vacation they return to the same spot. For the next three they venture out. She was able to articulate advantages for both. She is easily pleased, and does not need to always find a better avenue. But she will inevitably miss things. He uses up some energy hunting up fresh choices. And perhaps he is less inclined to enjoy what he already has.

There are certainly couples who bond over the same pastimes. Rock climbing, dancing, theater, sailing can all be ways to grow closer. Yet there are plenty of people for whom the intersecting circles of enjoyment are not all inclusive. 

But it need not be a deal breaker.