I enjoyed the chance to spend time with a friend I have known my whole life, although we often find ourselves on different sides of the country. She has listened to me when I felt overwhelmed, and perhaps she would say the same about me. I asked how her marriage was faring.

"About two years ago I took a 12 step workshop on the fourth and fifth steps, and everything changed. Creating a fearless moral inventory I realized how I had held him at arm's length. I set our relationship up to fail."

This was amazing. She was suggesting that he did not need to do the changing. She was capable of making a difference in how they interacted. A long time ago beneath a canopy of trees she had once told me that she held little hope for them staying together. Yet this summer he suggested that they renew their vows. How about that.

Her story made me itch to try a twelve step group too. My mother attended them regularly, and they helped her navigate a stormy part of her last years. I appreciate that twelve steps are focused on self reflection, not expecting your partner or family member to be different than they are. Nothing does more to rob us of our power than the belief that we are a victim to someone else's choices. 

I could use a few reminders about that.