This week the minister had two people act out the story of Saul and David. David offered to fight with Goliath, who was a formidable giant, and Saul gave him his armor for protection. But David was younger, and prefered just his sling and stones, so he took the armor off. Saul would not consider facing an enemy without the protection of a
breastplate and shield. David has a different tactic. In close combat, the metal can save your life, but David kept his distance and killed the giant with a small, smooth stone in the forehead.
The detail is a small one, and I have never given it much thought before. But the talk centered around how we protect ourselves. A baby protects herself from hunger by crying, yet by the time she learns to talk, there are better ways to express her needs. Some teenagers cover
their insecurities with sarcasm or rebelliousness. After awhile they outgrow those masks, and learn both to speak clearly and to listen.
Some couples build up defenses over time. Having been hurt, they erect barriers. Yet defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen identified by John Gottman as corrosive to relationships. Opening ourselves up to vulnerability seems counter intuitive, yet is an essential ingredient to authenticity.
The
distance is one of the reasons David can take off Saul's armor. He is not within sword's reach. One phrase I have heard about navigating conflict is the Balcony Effect. If we step away, as if in a balcony, to observe the interaction we are engaged in, we can be both impressionable and safe.
"He is criticizing me, but that does not mean that what he says is true."
"I am not being my best self. I don't want to revert to fault
finding."
"I bet he is reacting because of the pressure he is under at work. Maybe I am not the target. I can resist the urge to take it personally."
The minister invited us to identify an area in which we could let down our defenses. We wrote it on a picture of David the shepherd boy. It's one handout I will hang on to.
