But as I scanned over each of the nine qualities, I had flashbacks of myself that were not simpatico with full attention.

Like the time my back was to the child who came into the sewing room to tell me about a book she was reading. I uh huhed on queue but my eyes were on the fabric, and I was intent on finishing the seam. By the time I cut the threads she was gone. 

Or the way I have of filtering out what I don't want to hear, when someone offers constructive criticism of my work.

"Lori, I wonder if you could write more about the experience of being single..." already I have invalidated her question before the sound of her voice has faded away. What would I learn if I actually put my agenda on hold long enough to give her words my consideration? More importantly, how would she feel to be listened to?  

The article suggests that thoughtful questions are key, and I know I have a habit of providing the answer before someone opens their mouth. 

"Was your vacation fabulous?" If there was any adjective that fit better than fabulous it was immediately invalid. Better to ask a more open ended query. 

One of the nine is the directive to avoid being defensive. While I cannot recall a time I pulled it off, my middle son did. I let slip my irritation about how he shows up to do yard work and instead of being defensive he opened the door wider. He put his arm around me, and since he is taller than I am, it fit nicely around my neck. 

"Sounds like you need to tell me more about this." I was humbled by how healing it felt to be heard. 

One of the things I remind myself is that except for the pre planned lunch date with a girlfriend, many of the opportunities I have to listen to people I love are inconvenient. They approach me while I am doing something else, because, well, I am pretty much always doing something. 

But the good news is, however many times I have missed a chance to listen well, today there will be new ones.