I am still reading
Venus on Fire Mars on Ice. John Gray offers a list of no no's for both women and men. The curious thing is that
the suggestions often work just fine when you are talking to a friend of the same gender. But between spouses they don't translate well. What is intended to be helpful can feel dismissive to women or nagging to men.
Here are some of the unwelcome comments husbands make.
'Don't worry about it."
"Here is what you should do."
"Just let it go."
"That's not what happened."
"You're expecting too
much."
"Don't get so upset."
"You shouldn't feel that way."
"Do whatever you want."
It is not from a motive of belittling, but rather an idea that actually works quite well for themselves. Apparently men can follow the directive to not worry about it. Women have more trouble finding the off switch.
John Gray says there is a physiological reason behind this. Men have two halves of their brains, which do not like to
share the attention. Either they are in the problem solving arena or the relaxing one. The connective tissue between them is sparse. This comes in handy when they want to focus.
But women are usually using many parts of their brain at once. They multitask as if it were an extreme sport, and they have the connective tissue to sustain it.
Wives too can revert to advice that works for their girlfriends.
"Are you
going to wear that shirt?"
"Have you eaten today?"
"Why did you buy a new one?"
"When are you going to put this away?"
"When are you going to cut the grass?"
"You have already had one dessert."
"Try planning more in advance."
But for some men these come across as a personal affront. It took me a long time and a stack of books to understand this. Actually I still don't understand it, but I do believe
it.
I thought I was asking a reasonable question, like "Have you finished the taxes?" John's reaction seemed out of whack, as if I had challenged his competency as a provider. Which is precisely how he heard it.
I don't yet have an answer, by the way. It's a puzzle I am still working on. When April comes and I am curious about whether we have filed, the only way to find out is to check the security cameras by John's
desk.
