One man lost his job and did not tell his wife. He left every morning for six months and sat at a coffee shop with his laptop looking for employment. He could not bear to open up to her because her fear would compound his humiliation. Another man described what happened when his wife raved about her friend's successful husband, and the big ticket house they were building. He felt like a failure and the hurt burst out sideways as anger. 

Brene posits that men often squeeze their shame into two different packages.... disconnect or rage. She suggests that women profess to wanting their husbands to be vulnerable, yet when they put one toe in that camp the women drown out their husbands with their own reactions. 

Just then I looked up to realize Benjamin should be headed for bed. I said as much and he exploded. It seemed out of proportion for a routine that happens every night and I started to add my piercing voice to the cacophony. Then John stepped in. It turned out that Ben was so completely focused on the computer that he had had a hygiene malfunction. Rather than risk the embarrassing reality, and ask for help, he stomped and screamed his way to the bathroom, flinging blame like nunchucks. 

It was a stretch even for John to stay calm for the next few minutes. He talked Ben down off of his fury horse, and helped him into the shower. By resisting the urge to toss gasoline on Ben's fire, John was able to guide him to a solution and an apology with both of their dignity intact.

Brene has insights into how women learn to protect themselves from shame too. I hope that the millions of people who have listened to her speak or read her books will gradually dare to put down the armor.