One of the ways John does it is to change cars. He takes the big car to work because he has the twins with him. But when he comes home for lunch he trades with me because he knows I like the music and heated seats of the van. Maybe he likes them too but loving me trumps that. I feel cared for. 

When the girls get ready for school I am often at the computer writing. But when Aurelle comes down the stairs with an armload of wrinkled clothes I put down what I am doing and press them for her. We talk while the iron heats up and she carries the warm skirts and shirts back up to her sister. It is a small gesture, but one that speaks of affection.

Each morning I place a simple breakfast in front of my son as he ties his shoes and sends a text to his sister about Legos or Batman. It is a little effort, not big enough to warrant a thank you card. But I think he enjoys it. 

There is a story in the Bible about Naaman and the prophet Elijah. Naaman has leprosy and arrives with an entourage at his house to demand that the prophet do a showy miracle to heal him. But Elijah does not even come to the door. He tells his servant one simple instruction.

"Tell him to wash in the Jordan river seven times."

Naaman is furious. Such a trifling task for a man of great importance such as himself. He goes home in a rage. But later his maid servant, a little girl, speaks to him. 

"If the prophet had asked you to do some hard thing you would have done it."

Naaman recognizes his own stupidity. He goes to wash in the Jordan river and is cleansed.

Marriage is less of an arena for running through burning buildings and scaling mountains, than it is of walking across our own anger and climbing the enormous wall of our own selfishness.