Most mornings I get a reply to the stories I write. But the other day I sent one that struck a chord. A slew of people wrote to say that
I Don't Want to be Curious resonated with them. I guess a lot of us are stumbling over the same potholes.
Boy. you really spoke to me today! I have been known to lie awake at night with those rebuttals you refer to. And it IS so hard to take the view of the other side. I am SO GLAD I am not the only one struggling with this.
Hah! I've got one of those scenarios replaying in my head right now...
Today I'm thinking that letting go of defensiveness is a huge and important thing. I see myself and others going there at the drop of a hat. And curiosity is so hard, but so peaceful and healing.
Great message! I,too,tend to react defensively to criticism and disagreements. And this tendency has definitely caused trouble in my life and relationships. Two pieces of advice have proved helpful, when I am willing to
remember to be humble and "swim with the lake and not against it".1) A therapist with whom I'd been working
to gain some help with overcoming the defensive reflex suggested that the reaction is rooted in a deep-seated awareness that I am being asked to look at something I did not want to look at, and that the stronger the reaction, the more likely it is that the thing I don't want to see or admit is in fact really important for me to look at and admit. Very annoying... you mean to tell me the problem is not "out there", it's "in here"???? 2) An adage I ran into in AA: "Would you rather be
right, or happy?"
Very interesting follow up, how you link the man's aggression and your defensiveness. So both have their usefulness up to a point? Is the physical reaction he had akin to the psychological reaction you/we have when
entering into a new conversation with a defensive attitude? What is the process of letting go (really) of the defensiveness and experiencing the humility instead? Is it just a simple mental switch?
I am grateful for the feedback. Other folks elaborated on their own lives, and it has helped me escape the quicksand of my own thinking. Curiosity is in fact more appealing than self absorption. Having listened to all of you I am able to look up from my
own shoes, and the view is wider and more interesting.
While I am a fan of newsy Christmas letters, I notice the contrast between the two genres. There are a stack of photos in my dining room of people I love in their Sunday smiling best, It is a sweet dessert to savor their faces and the accompanying chronology of the past year. Yet I feel a different sensation while reading the unedited struggles that other people are facing that appeared in my inbox
yesterday. Sure it's great to share the joy of people holding their grandchildren, or swimming at the beach. But when I am feeling swamped, like I was for parts of last week, there is nourishment in hearing from other people whose feet are soggy too.
