A friend was describing a dynamic that has evolved in their relationship over time. Her husband started out marriage with a temper that she did not know how to navigate. Uncomfortable with anger, she was afraid to yell back, but felt like she was disloyal if she left the room.

Eventually she asked him what she should do.

Even inquiring involved bravery, because she wanted to avoid conflict. But she chose her words carefully and respectfully.

He paused. It is not child's play to articulate what we need when feelings come flooding in. How many toddlers do you know who can pin it down in a melt down?

"Mom, I need a deep hug, the kind where I feel like you won't let go, and I need some protein quick because that applesauce and banana just doesn't have staying power, and not only that but the music blaring is getting on my nerves and the stupid Lego tower fell down, so I want you to help me build it. But make me feel like I built it. Then I will be fine."

Thankfully her husband was able to find the words.

"Leave me alone, but don't leave me." She nodded. This was something she could do.

It is like driving through rush hour to untangle our own reaction when someone we love is experiencing a surge of emotions. Being basically egocentric, many of us jump to the conclusion that if our partner is upset, or sad, or confrontational, we are the main player on the stage of their life. But there is another possibility.

I know, appearances may be deceiving. After all, if someone screams and the only other living thing in the room is the spider plant, you might be tempted to believe that you are the cause.

Yet I know that I am capable of being a hornet hunting for a target. When John has the presence of mind to resist fighting back, people's limbs stay attached.

Yet the second half of this man's request is essential too.

"Don't leave me."

Even when we are a flailing mess, it feels safer to have someone nearby to help pick up the pieces.