The other day we were out with a couple trying to make a decision about their next step. Their current home has enough space, but is squeezing the life out of their budget. They have, like many couples, had a stint living with their parents.This necessitated letting go of the sense of autonomy, but eased the pressure of resources. Another couple is weighing the option of moving far from the support of family to pursue a job. The free babysitting is a definite draw to staying.
Couples face these teeter totter choices umpteen times in the course of a lifetime. I know I fantasize that in a perfect world there would be no either ors. We could have it all, all the time. But the process itself of swiveling in one direction or another is perhaps the axis of defining what we care about. It is not necessarily right or wrong to have steep rent, or a frugal one. Living near in laws vs across the country is neither good nor bad, but it does reflect what we choose.
When I look back on the decisions John and I have made, or fallen into, they are like the hinges that keep our relationship from rusting shut. We talked about where to live, and how many children to raise, job changes, and what kind of vacation to take. I had a gnawing feeling that there was One Choice, and it was our task to uncover enough clues to find it. But from where I sit in my fifties it feels more as if those conversations were the occasion for asking questions.
"Do you want to stick with this job, or does it feel too stagnant?"
"What do you think about moving to Boston?"
"How would you feel about a third baby?"
Maybe the pivotal point is not as much after the decision is made, as it is before it.
