Benjamin screamed last night between eleven and one. It was not pretty. I was short on compassion, long on exasperation. He let loose with derogatory slams against a friend named Jake at his old school. He elaborated on his displeasure with Taylor Swift, and his insistence that we rewind the day to start over. John had to hold him down at times when the kicking and hurling were worst. I tried prayer and singing which actually seemed to help. He does have a soft spot for John Michael Talbot. Finally he drifted off to sleep.

 

This morning I wanted to hold a grudge. No I wanted to flaunt it in his face like last week's garbage. But he was feeling chipper. He mentioned that perhaps he should not report his diatribe to Jake, as it would hurt his feelings. Jake is more autistic than Benjamin and does not speak. I was startled to hear Ben express empathy for someone whom he has not seen in months, who was asleep in his own bed in another town and could not offer a rebuttal even if he had been present. But Benjamin certainly meant it, since he is incapable of pretense. Then he said he wished he had not had a tantrum. It was not strictly an apology, but rather like the regret a farmer feels after a storm has flattened his crops. I wondered if Benjamin feels as helpless in the fury of his moods as a Kansas man does looking at a blackening sky. 

 

I wanted to scold him. I wanted to punish him. But somehow it seemed ridiculous to spoil the new morning with a rehash of last night's shambles. I listened and served him his favorite eggs. 

 

In marriage there are usually two adults who can be held accountable for their behavior. If one of them does damage to the relationship, the other may have a knee jerk reaction to hurt back. I am certainly skilled in the subtle art of revenge. But I wonder. 

 

The complexities of being Benjamin's mother have blurred the once stark lines of accountability. Maybe humans are more vincible than I once believed. Addictions, blood sugar, hormones and exhaustion take a chunk out of our defenses at inconvenient times. 

 

Maybe, and I admit that my rationality is compromised by recent events, we could all do with a liberal dose of clemency.

 

 

Photo by Stephen Conroy

You can support us at

www.caringformarriage.org