Marriage Moats-Walking on Eggshells

Published: Fri, 05/24/13

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

I first heard of the term eight years ago when a friend realized that her husband was more than a tad difficult. Since then I have bumped up against a smattering of people who fit the criterion for borderline personality disorder.

I ordered the book Walking on Eggshells to help equip myself for interacting with friends I care about who struggle with boundaries. The chapters look riveting... Living in a Pressure Cooker, Making Sense of Chaos. Many of us wrestle with keeping on our own side of the fence. It is tempting to blame someone for our unhappiness, or to yank them around with guilt.

My mother was manic, which is a cousin of BPD, so I have seen the inside of a pressure cooker. Yet in her final years the tether she had around my neck had weakened until it was more like a noodle. But there are other folks I still need to deal with.

It helps simply to give it a name. I still remember the moment her diagnosis had a label. Although I had no idea what manic depressive meant, it was liberating to hear it. Her behavior became Real, and not just my own incompetance. Benjamin's future shifted too the day a developmental pediatrician at CHOP wrote six letters on a hospital form. Even the day a physician in an ER defined John's fever as malaria was a game changer. Knowing what you are facing is a threshold to healing.

My heart goes out to couples where emotional issues muddy the waters. Marriage is tough enough when everyone is well fed and fit as a fiddle. Add the element of imbalance and everyone teeters. But there are guard rails to help you keep steady. Books and groups and programs like Stephen Ministry are already in place.

Photo by Stephen Conroy

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