Marriage Moats-For the Children
Published: Wed, 05/22/13
| Marriage Moats | Caring for Marriage |
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 Years ago when our church congregation rented the building to a Korean congregation we gathered as one group on Thanksgiving for a feast. Americans brought potatoes and turkey. Koreans brought bibimbap and kimchi. Although John's linguistic expertise is limited to Latin and Hebrew, he tried to communicate a warm welcome. They bowed and welcomed us to the table as well. He explained that we usually let the children eat first, because they are impatient. Their minister replied that they invite the elders to eat first out of respect. I have made children a priority in my life. Like most parents I have willingly sacrificed sleep, the choice of music playing, and the menu for the sake of my kids. Now that six out of nine are old enough to vote the magnanimity of that effort seems paltry. When we travel in the city it is they who shepherd me through the maze of public transportation. At restaurants they reach for the check. At Christmas their generosity out shines mine.
In recent decades it has become unpopular for struggling couples to stay together "for the children". This deviates from the prevailing winds that steer parents to foot the bill for soccer camp, orthodontia and a car seat whose price tag tops that of my first Mustang. It is hip to dress your baby in Gap, even if it means you don't get that new pair of shoes. But to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your children's sense of security is codependent.
Perhaps the aspect of the whole divorce gig that most makes me want to yell is the silence. Children have very little voice in the decision when the hammer hits and someone moves out.
But years later, if you have the guts to listen, they have a lot to say.
Photo by Jenny Stein
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