Last month there were suspicious canisters dropped in Syria. It appears to be chemical warfare launched by the government on its people. Patients were rushed to the hospital who were suffering from convulsions, frothing at the mouth, and difficulty breathing. Some died. Doctors who treated them also displayed symptoms. 

 

It is repulsive to think of national leaders causing such suffering to anyone, but especially to citizens of their own country.

 

Obama called it crossing the red line. 

 

There are lines in marriage that should not be crossed. John Gottman has long been able to predict divorce with remarkable accuracy by identifying four tactics that are as deadly as chemical warfare. 

 

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling 

 

These behaviors are highly toxic, and Gottman describes them as attacks. It is heart breaking to think of treating strangers with such disrespect, but even more so with people we love. There is evidence that these ways of interacting have physical ramifications as well, increasing an array of symptoms and lowering the immune system's ability to recover. 

 

It is amazing to me that when I am at a loss for how to treat John well, simply avoiding these responses opens up room for kindness to flourish.