Marriage Moats-Annual Review

Published: Mon, 03/25/13

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

Benjamin is transitioning to a local high school called Lower Moreland. The irony is that when I was young, there was a strong, if erroneous, message from the grown ups that we should steer clear of kids from that school. They were trouble. But here I am fifty years later feeling like I won the lottery because my son is accepted there. They have a huge gymnasium, ceramics lab, extensive music room, indoor pool, computer lab, and weekly trips into the community. Every Friday they bake cookies and sell them in the cafeteria to fund their trips. Typical kids volunteer in the classroom, not for credit or pay but because they like to. Benjamin will be part of the program called Life Skills. When I told his older brother about it he chuckled.

"Life skills, huh. Whenever the world trashes a name for them they have to come up with a new one. Retarded, mentally delayed, special needs."

Well, yeah.

Last week was the final meeting for his transition. In attendance were a behavior specialist from his last school, his new teacher, an attorney from the Bryn Athyn School District, the program coordinator, an occupational therapist on conference call and me. There were copies of his IEP, or Independent Educational Program, for all of us to refer to. This is a thirty six page document articulating his every need, skill, quirk, size, strength and challenge. If asked, I doubt I could have expounded about him at such length.

While his past and future teachers dissected one of the finer points of his trajectory, my mind reeled in wonder. When my mother was younger than me she took the misfits from Bryn Athyn School into a forgotten corner of the building to keep them out of the regular teacher's way. She had no credentials, no game plan, no diagnosis to work from. But now the law is such that these children are gifted with the very best opportunities to thrive. His therapists all believe that support now will ensure a successful future.

That is a significant cultural shift in one generation. I wondered what would happen if we focused our collective attention to marriage.

Imagine a yearly meeting. At the table there are communication experts, financial advisers, relationship coaches, mentors and physical trainers. Everyone is poring over the Marital Assessment Program, which articulates the goals they have collectively agreed on for the past year.

"I see that the plan called for regular dates and monthly mentoring. What was the rate of achievement?"

"For the physical objectives, there were walks three times weekly, increasing to five after six months. What was the incidence of mastery?"

The communication therapist brings out copies of the evaluation collected earlier that month.

"There were several instances of eye rolling, and a smattering of pejorative remarks. Appreciation was sub par and physical touch was non existent. We had discussed a regime of hand holding and extended eye contact but I doubt the follow through was consistent. I strongly suggest remedial action. Acro gymnastics or couple's massage should be mandatory." Heads nod and the therapist writes out a prescription. It will be paid for by state funds and the couple can enroll immediately.

The financial adviser speaks. "I am pleased with the progress in budgeting. The time spent engaging in activities and classes that clarify your individual objectives and patterns is reducing conflict. There is growing equity in your relationship account."

I am part of a growing contingent who believe that support now will ensure a successful future.

Photo by Jenny Stein

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