Marriage Moats-Hard Times

Published: Sat, 02/23/13

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

When I fell in love with John it was because of the good times. We had dreamy conversations while time ticked on the other side of a glass divide. We drove from Philly to Chicago in my white '64 Mustang with red interior, reading adventure books on the turnpike. We wrote songs and harmonized, my arms around the guitar and his around me. Although our days together between "Will you marry me?" and "I do!" were less than thirty, the playfulness still makes Disneyland look like cookie crumbs.

But three decades later it is the hard times that have been the metamorphosis of our relationship.

Recently he was on the phone with two sons in different time zones, helping navigate a conflict that will take months to heal. He was talking outside the bathroom where he was also encouraging the son with autism to step into his not yet extinguished fear of water in his face. Before the wet son was out of a towel, our fourth son called in pain. He had rolled his ankle at soccer and needed a ride and an ice pack. John grabbed his keys before I could reach for a coat.

I suppose singles who are scanning the field don't know this. They ask guarded questions like "Do you like jazz?" or "Do you prefer the city or the burbs?" But it is less common to inquire about suffering.

"How hard will you try to find work when we have three small children and are outnumbered by mice in the apartment?"

"Will you be willing to peel four kids out of bed at midnight when I have an inflamed appendix?"

"When my mother is in a manic frenzy, will you know how to talk her down?"

"When we are facing a court case so ominous I can barely breath will you know to stay home from a business trip?"

Yet John has done all of these with conviction. They are the rivets that have kept us from swinging apart.

Photo by Stephen Conroy

you can support us at