The researchers recruited 120 happy couples to write for an average of seven minutes from the perspective of a caring yet neutral witness. After three separate arguments, they each documented both points of view as if they were an observer, as well as something positive about the conflict.

 

Actually the ability to do this is the linchpin of what makes us human. As far as I can tell, a dog cannot reconsider his or her choices. Bees arrive in the world hard wired to perform intricate behaviors, yet without the freedom to choose differently.

 

One of my favorite scenes in the Anne of Green Gables series is an awkward evening where Anne is a guest for dinner. The paternal host is in a snit and refuses to speak. His wife is helpless to smooth things over for their children and guests. The daughter is embarrassed by her father's huff in front of company and Anne is seen as the only one able to redeem the situation. In true Anne fashion she speaks before she thinks. 

 

"Did you know," she whispers to another guest, "that our host suddenly went deaf this morning? "

 

Thus begins a conspiracy of everyone else at the table, who capitalize on the chosen muteness of the head of the household. They embark on a slightly wicked conversation revolving around him and his proclivity to knit doilies and whatever else strikes their unleashed imaginations. Finally he is stretched to the limit, and erupts in rebellion to the undeserved accusations, knocking over an awful vase with a crash. 

 

But the spell is broken too, and he is able to see his own selfishness through the eyes of his family. 

 

The ability to self reflect is perhaps the platform which enables us to climb out of our own quicksand. We tend to repeat the same ineffective responses, until we can no longer bear it, or justify it.

 

Then we can finally choose differently. 

 

 

 

 

Photo by Joy Feerrar

you can support us at

www.caringformarriage.org