Benjamin and I have been going to the YMCA again. It is not yet embedded in our routine, and when I ask if he wants to go, part of me is whispering.

 

"Say 'no'..."

 

But lately he has been amenable, and we head out the door together. The gym is expansive, with maybe a hundred machines to explore, but we are not adventurous and head to the same row of stationary bikes. Often there are two side by side, which is what we prefer. Ben leans over to push the buttons to get me into the same work out as him. Then we start pedaling. 

 

The display gives us a compilation of speed, mileage, heart rate, and calories expended. That last number always disappoints me. At random times, the difficulty level would jump up, and I would need to roll the dial back to one. I had no idea why this happened. Eventually, I noticed a small graph of our imaginary route, which is probably based on a real one taken by the person whose bike actually moved. The gradual incline of the graph corresponded to the increased effort needed to move my legs.  Ben and I would both respond at once. 

 

Being side by side is much more satisfying than those days when we are a few chairs apart. Often I crane my neck to see how he is doing. Sometimes he looks for me. 

 

Recently I was feeling lethargic. Our children had all headed home, and the days were getting colder. Two things that I could have predicted, and yet I succumbed to discouragement. It felt hard to keep pedaling. 

 

Then a friend mentioned feeling the same way. I perked up, simply to hear this. What? The exuberance of the holidays has gotten away from you as well? At that moment, I felt less like a loser, and more like a tired biker on a steep hill. 

 

With someone beside me.