The first half of our brood arrived at two year intervals. The second were spaced at four. Except for the twins who clocked in at two minutes apart. This meant that there was a little person running around for twenty six straight years. I recall the moment I realized that there was no one under the age of five. That brought with it more sleep, fewer tantrums, and an absence of boosters crowding the car. At present I do not even own a sippy cup. 

 

It also meant less innocence. 

 

The Swedenborg and Life episode about Leadership in Heaven describes that willingness in young children to have someone bigger and smarter decide what happens next. There is no need to compromise, or tamp down their own opinions. They are comfortable with being unsure. 

 

"Mom says we are going to Grandma's house. Great. I'm in."

 

I read a humorous collection of diversions we grown ups use when trying to hide the fact that we are clueless. This is of course because we have swallowed the lie that says we must be in control at all times. 

 

Linguists call these uncertainties "pragmatic markers". Software engineers say that "the issue was not reproducible". An archeologist labels it as "ritual purpose", while a cosmologist describes it as "dark matter". Mathematicians have the term "undecidable", and a transcriber writes "inaudible". In law the decoy is "it depends", and in psychology "we thank the reader for raising this important question but it is beyond the scope of the present paper". A paleontologist calls an unidentifiable fossil "problematica" and an aircraft mechanic writes it up as "unable to duplicate fault", meaning "I didn't do anything but it works now". 

 

It is not as if this hypervigilance to manage our lives comes out of nowhere. "I don't know the answer but I am curious" isn't a welcome response on either a chemistry midterm or year end report. Those people who proffer grades and paychecks want you to be certain.

 

For most of us the coming year brings enigmas. Fuzzy possibilities around what is in our future. Yet if I can lean way back into the innocence that once fit like a glove, I rest in the surety that Someone smarter than me has it covered.