Here is one last window into the conference that can fit into a url. John offered a workshop about those enigmas that show up where we feel obliged to make choices between humility and self worth, or autonomy and intimacy. His diagrams invite me to look in a new dimension, one where being together and being alone both have a place in marriage. 

 

We can see saw between feeling suffocated, and lonely. The apparent issue is whether we are together or apart. But John suggests that the real issue is whether we are engaging in those things in a healthy or unhealthy way. 

 

Probably many of us have experienced being in a crowded room, and yet felt keenly separate. Or maybe we have been hiking in the forest alone, and yet felt connected to everyone. 

 

It turns out that we are less vulnerable to our circumstances than it looks on the surface. While healthy autonomy and genuine intimacy may look like they are at odds with each other, they are as intricately tied as the heart and lungs. The heart is distinct from the lungs, even as they pump and expand side by side, minute by minute, year by year.  But if blood leaks into the lungs, the results can be dire. If air escapes from the lungs into the heart, we may suffer a stroke. The two organs work in beautiful synchronicity, yet they are distinct. So, too, a strong marriage is one where each partner feels both independent and conjoined. 

 

Which is just how it works in our relationship with God.