The workshop at the Marriage Conference called The Soul of Marriage drew a big crowd. I was not in it, though I am glad for the chance to have watched it later. Twice. Now you can too. 

 

The main message I took away from his ninety minutes of quotes, and stories, was two pronged. One is about something I need to work harder on. The other is an area I strive for every single day. 

 

When John and I were falling in love, back in the late seventies, I put a chunk of energy into treating him well. He was the love of my life, and any small gesture of kindness was worth my time. But that drive has slipped into neutral over four decades, and if I am honest, I miss many chances. When we were engaged, we lived eight hundred miles apart, so doing things for him took effort. And postage. Now that we live under one roof, it is ridiculously easy, and yet I forget to hug, to smile, to bring him a snack while he is working late. Curtis reminded me of that, without pointing any fingers. 

 

The other idea that Curtis brought home for me was the importance of not trying to control your partner. An atmosphere of "really you should do it this way" is not conducive to freedom, which is the air marriage breathes. 

 

Working against that tide is embedded in my thoughts, and much of the time, my actions. I do not want to coerce him. What exhausts me is that the tendency shows up relentlessly, in ever more subtle disguises. 

 

I am glad both for the reassurance that I am putting effort into the right place, but also the heads up that I am missing out on the chance to have fun.