I made a promise to myself to keep trying things. While the medical world at large does not offer a course of treatment for autism, there are a myriad of other avenues to explore. Ben and I have dabbled in acupuncture, massage, homeopathy, craniosacral, OT, PT, ABA, (which I forget what the letters mean but I remember doing it) supplements, diet, and a hyperbaric chamber. We even tried hippotherapy, which is a fancy name for horseback riding.

 

This fall I signed him up for swimming lessons. The first one was a bust because it fell on Halloween. The second time Ben had a social conflict. He who has barely two events in a month had the bad luck of them landing on the same hour.  No matter. He had fun with his buddies playing games rather than getting wet with strangers. 

 

But this third lesson was on my radar, and he and I headed out to the YMCA with a towel and trunks. I rushed him, which tends to backfire, and we arrived poolside a few minutes after the lesson started. Well, even the words "lesson started" sounds like overkill. It was simply a man in the water who happened to have a staff ID. He kind of paid attention to Benjamin, but kind of not. They were not close enough for me to overhear the conversation, but I saw Ben trying timidly to put his face in the water, having plugged his nose and scrunched his eyes. 

 

At the other end of the pool there were little kids. They were the adorable kind, with watermelon suits and curly hair that defies gravity by staying curly even when wet. Their teacher was fully engaged with encouraging them to kick, blow bubbles, and hang on to their paddle boards. The kids were having fun. In the circumference of the pool area there were doting parents, some on their phones but others eagerly watching their darling child whose chances at the Olympics were improving by the minute. 

 

I noticed that while my son was not as cute as the six year olds, he is precious. For reasons I cannot explain, that is mostly kept secret. I saw him trying to understand what was expected of him by this instructor, and to overcome his fears. I loved him all the more for his reluctance. 

 

I promised myself to try new things, but I did not define what I expected to happen. To have Ben's autism diminish? To cure him? 

 

Perhaps the outcome is fuzzier than that. I think it is just to stay curious.