As my back gradually calmed down, I noticed another level of adjustment going on. My mind had clamped on to the limitations enforced by my muscles. 

 

"I cannot reach the floor, so if I dropped something, oh well."

 

"Getting out of bed takes at least four pivots of my trunk, as I grab the sheets to pull on."

 

I  perceived myself as someone who needs a four point plan to get to the bathroom, or to sit up to drink a smoothie. 

 

Back strain has happened before, and resolved, so intellectually it seemed likely that it would again. But I needed a metaphorical clutch to get from Lori-who-is-stuck to Lori-who-can-move-easily. 

 

This seemed like a barrier, not of pain, but of fear. 

 

Change is why we are here. To pivot from selfishness to magnanimity. Needing to bend others to our will, must shift to curiosity about what they hope for.  Yet by definition there is a hovering spot between them.

 

One time I wanted to be generous, in theory. But the constraints of giving something away held me back. I tried to picture myself as benevolent,  even before it happened. It felt jerky, like those lessons with a stick shift on an incline. Until I got there. Then gifting felt like a sweet ride.