A friend, who is herself quite composed when it comes to difficult conversations, recommended a book. It is my inclination to buy it, but even the title calms me. 

 

"Say More" is by Jen Psaki, and offers strategies for those interactions that could make us either bark or back away. 

 

Inviting the person to keep going, rather than cutting them off, is novel. Yet in my short life it makes sense. When I assume that I got the whole message in one blast of strong feelings, I have missed an opening. 

 

One time I was complaining to a woman about my young kids, who had done something irascible. She cut me off in a way that surprised me. Part of me wanted to go to defensive mode, but by the grace of God I kept my mouth shut. Then her real feelings came out. She was angry to hear me criticize my children, when she and her husband had been unable to have any. Instead of slamming my heart closed, to protect myself, I threw it open and listened. It was blind of me to assume that they had chosen to be childless. 

 

Another time someone was on a rant about the church and its ministers. My husband is a minister, and my reaction was like a firecracker. The sad thing is, that reaction was mutually exclusive to being able to hear her. Later I realized that it was about pain she was holding, and I had stomped over her feelings. 

 

One of the voices I need to turn down the volume on, is the one that controls urgency. It tells me that I have to respond now, or the chance will evaporate. I hope instead to slow the conversation down. Then it can be less of a duel and more of a braid.