A group of friends were talking about defensiveness. It can be a loaded word, or perhaps I should say unloaded. John Gottman puts forth a quartet of relationship no-nos, and it makes that particular list. Protecting yourself when you are being attacked is a natural response. But what Gottman is teaching me, is that when I am defensive toward my husband, I am by definition holding him as the enemy.

A word that is a cousin of enemy is enmity. Perhaps the latter term has gone out of fashion in the current century, but the feeling is alive and well. Divisiveness, and antagonism are more trendy names for the way we work against one another, rather than with. 

The same group talked about being on the same team. Even if John and I are wrestling with a leaky faucet (which we are) or a car that didn't pass inspection (also true) being shoulder to shoulder is a better strategy than blaming each other for the problem. 

It is my good fortune to have a daily practice in the kind of attacks that engender defensiveness. When I read comments on the channel Off the Left Eye, there are a cascade of appreciative accolades. This is the fun part. Yet there are also a sprinkling of threats, accusations, and snarky words as well. Some are pointed at the speaker in the video, others at God and the bible, and some are like a teenager caught in a bar hurling a glass over his shoulder in retreat. 

It is for me to take a breath and respond. The illusion is that these words could hurt me. They can't. There is no need for me to debate, defend, or be snarky back. It is my good luck to be able to wish them well, or if it has gone on for too long, to simply refocus on the multitude of grateful comments. 

Which are still the fun part.