John Gottman articulates four behaviors that throw a monkey wrench into marriage. Criticism, contempt, stone walling, and defensiveness are responses he has come to measure with remarkable accuracy. His practice is based on science more than anecdotal evidence. If you spend an afternoon in his lab, hooked up to wires that measure heart rate and breathing, using microphones that record your every comment, and cameras to capture each rolling eye, he will be able to tell you a lot. But only if you are willing to hear. Though if you pay what he charges, probably you are.  

I have a history of balking at defensiveness as a red flag. How is it wrong to protect yourself? There are confrontations that threaten my safety, or at least it feels that way. But I have come around to his way of thinking. Being defensive implies that the person speaking to you is an attacker. 

Recently, a friend and I had a misunderstanding. My intention was to have a conversation about something that affects us both. But the angry response I got shut down any chance of meaningful exchange. I can take a hint, and backed off like a cat who accidentally stepped into a dog  kennel. I didn't need a video to tell me that defensiveness was a reason to steer clear. 

Then a few days later, we tried again. Even though reflexes run strong, we both curbed the knee jerk reaction to throw up defenses. We wanted to believe that our relationship could weather this bumpy exchange. 

Which meant being vulnerable. 

"Love never fights, but it always wins." Heavenly Secrets 1950, Emanuel Swedenborg.