One of my favorite questions to ask couples is the story of how they fell in love. Ironically, in spite of it being one of the sweetest times in their lives, many couples put it on a shelf and forget about it. I love the way a husband looks at his wife as he pulls up the memories, of when he first noticed her, the words they exchanged. I watch her eyes as she conjures up the image of when he asked her to be his wife. It's like a chocolate eclair that you can eat over and over again. With no calories.

 

Children love to hear the story of their parents' courtship. It is at least as important as the history of the country, to find out how their father fought for their mother. Why she believed in him. How they overcame distances. When they chose. 

 

John Gottman uses the retelling of these stories to predict the longevity of a marriage. If a couple in his Love Lab cannot remember their winsome beginnings with warmth and tenderness, he predicts that they will divorce. He is correct 97% of the time. 

 

Yet I wonder if it is actually a lack of tenderness, or the fact that the couple cannot find the key to unlock them from safekeeping.

 

There are ways to open the door to those feelings. Listening to the music you shared, looking at pictures of when you were dating, sharing foods that have meaning as well as good taste, physical touch all bring those emotions back to the here and now. 

 

Years ago we made plates out of our favorite photographs. One picture I chose was of John and I looking out over the ocean, with his arm around me. The other day I was hustling to get pasta on the table, and that plate turned up. I paused. I looked across the table at the man who asked to walk this journey with me. A warm feeling rose up in me, and it was not because of the bowl of hot spaghetti in my hands. 

 

I interrupted the task of serving to walk over to him and put my arms around him.