John and I were invited to speak to the senior girls this week. The goal was to give them a small measure of relationship education in fifty minutes. We invited each to describe a marriage that they have learned from, either by its success or its struggles. Most of them spoke about their own parents or grandparents.
Then I asked if they could name a movie, or show, or book in which there is a healthy marriage. The room was quiet. After a minute one girl rose her hand.
"The Kardashians, though it only lasted a few months."
I sighed. Such a disservice our culture has done, crowding their imaginations with stories that fall apart. I was glad that some could name their own families. But I ache for these girls to have a hundred strong images before they pause to wrinkle their foreheads in thought.
In a sprawling landscape of vibrant relationships, young girls can find their way without feeling like they must copy the lone good one they have witnessed.
There are stories where the husband is deployed, yet his wife prays for him daily, and raises their daughters alone. (Little Women)
There are couples where they both have demanding jobs yet they make continual efforts to stay connected. (Madam Secretary) I want storylines where they are drifting apart, and she suspects her husband is having an affair which wakes her up to how she has been ignoring him. (Shall We Dance?) These girls need examples of the wife traveling for work, and her husband discovering the demands of being a stay at home parent. (The Incredibles) I am grateful for episodes in which couples navigate
flirtations, or miscarriage, and come back stronger. (Downton Abbey) I want these girls to see marriages that overcome addiction, (Fireproof) and survive raising a desperately sick child. (Lorenzo's Oil) We need narratives in which marriages survive infidelity. (Same Kind of Different as Me) I applaud scripts in which couples get angry, cool off, and recommit tenderly. (West Wing)
I ask a lot. But then I understand that life will be asking a lot from them.
